Fearful Reality
by Lifeshandful
Summary: After Shay's needlestick.


_**Fearful Reality**_

Shay knew the risks that came with the job, and needle sticks were one of them even if they were seldom. One wrong move and she was facing the one situation she never wanted too. She also knew the treatment – post exposure prophylaxis – would be gruelling given all of the injections and medications that had been and would be put into her body despite the patient's test results coming back clear for all of the majors – hepatitis and HIV. Despite the test results she still felt terrified, still felt stressed.

She had gotten home, taken a steaming hot shower, and curled in bed once she had pulled on a singlet top and a pair of sleep shorts as the side effects of some of the injections had started to set in. She felt incredibly nauseous, and her head was pounding violently. The tears were involuntary as they slid silently down her face as the reality of what she was facing had set in, in the sanctity of her bedroom there was no need for the brave face or the bravado that she had shown at the firehouse instead she could fall apart until she needed to piece herself back together.

**Chicago Fire**

Kelly was settled at the bar at Molly's with a beer in front of him and the newspaper folded open to the crossword, despite his reluctance to leave Shay at home on her own given the shift she had but she had almost begged him to give her some time alone and he had to respect her wishes even if he didn't like it.

"Did you just order the beer for show or?" Gabby trailed off as she came to a stop in front of him having seen the distant look he had on his face. Also she had not missed the fact that he hadn't made any progress on the crossword puzzle in front of him which was unusual given that he always did them, and was very good at solving them.

"I'm just worried about Shay. She didn't want me around tonight." The admission had Gabby immediately worried knowing the blonde's love for Kelly and the traditions they had as roommates. Kelly usually didn't express his feelings, or talk about his troubles, but this was different, it felt different.

"What is she facing here Dawson? I mean I know the dangers of a needle stick but not everything." The fact that Kelly was asking only highlighted how truly worried he was but it also showed his love for her as he wanted to be there for her, to help her through it, and to care for her.

"The treatment, the post exposure prophylaxis, is gruelling on the body. There are a hell of a lot of side effects that she could have from all of the injections she was given, and from the medication that she has to take. She will also need to be tested regularly throughout the process despite what the patients test results came back with." She was trying to soften the blow but be as truthful as possible, and it wasn't easy.

"What sort of side effects?" The question was the first that came to mind and the first he verbalised as he took in what she was saying.

"Headaches, nausea and vomiting, and fatigue are the main ones but she could also have a low grade fever. But there's a mental and emotional toll Kelly that she won't be prepared for. Every test is going to take its toll on her even if the results are negative. She'll be on the course of antiretroviral medication for an entire month." Gabby knew it was a lot to take in but she knew that Kelly would be Shay's rock.

"I don't think tequila and ice cream will help this time." Kelly was at a loss for words. When he had spoken to Shay earlier she had made it seem like nothing would change, but he knew it was all for show.

"She'll need fluids but I wouldn't recommend any alcohol. Her appetite will probably be affected as well so small regular meals will help even if it is just a slice of toast. And lots of sleep will help although it will be pretty hard too… She's going to have good and bad days." Gabby wasn't telling him anything he didn't know after all she knew how much he cared, and had seen him with a sick Shay on more than one occasion. Gabby almost smiled as she thought of the time that Shay was still recovering from a particularly nasty bug that had gone through the entire firehouse, and although Shay shouldn't have been at work she was, and she had ended curled up in Kelly's lap out of pure exhaustion comforted by his loving embrace even after he tried to convince her to go and have a nap in the bunk room but she had insisted that he was warmer and comfier than her bed to which he didn't argue, somehow though Gabby had suspected that Kelly just wanted to be able to check on her.

"Yeah, I know she wanted to be alone but I'm going to go home. Thanks Dawson." Kelly got up and grabbed his jacket then tucked his newspaper underneath his arm once he had finished speaking.

"Call me if you need anything." The offer was met with a short nod of acknowledgement as he made his way out. Gabby knew that Shay was in good hands, and would be taken care of.

**Chicago Fire**

Kelly made his way into their darkened apartment quietly, leaving his newspaper and keys on the table before he hung his jacket up on one of the vacant hooks. He stopped momentarily as the sound of retching echoed through the apartment before moving up the stairs and towards the bathroom where the door was ajar.

"It's okay, I'm here." He stepped into the bathroom immediately and effortlessly pulled her hair back as she gagged as there was nothing left in her stomach to bring up except for a sickly bile while the tears from her bloodshot eyes ran freely down her cheeks and her entire body trembled as her skin was clothed in goose-bumps. His other hand went to her back and rubbed up and down in an effort to comfort her. Once she had finished gagging, she let herself fall back against him as he wrapped his arms around her as she allowed herself to be comforted by him.

The tears tumbled freely down her pale cheeks as Kelly held her tightly whilst whispering reassurances in her ear that it was going to be alright and that he would be with her every step of the way. She knew that he hated to see her cry, hated when she was sick, and as much as she wanted to stop the tears from forming she couldn't. The dam had broken and there was nothing that could stop them.

Kelly knew that sitting on the cool tiles of the bathroom floor wasn't the best for Shay considering how her entire body was trembling violently in his arms, and when he pressed his lips to her forehead he learnt that she had a fever, a low grade one just as Gabby had advised there could be. He knew he needed to get some fluids into her and then let her sleep as rest had to be the best for her. She had washed her mouth out with a swig of mouthwash in between her tears but she was exhausted and he knew it. "Lets get you into bed after you have something to drink." He said softly as his hand ran down her side. She gave a soft nod but made no attempt to move as she didn't have the energy to move, and she was worried that the movement would cause the nausea to flair which was the last thing she wanted as her stomach and throat already ached.

Kelly eased himself from under her, and then placed one of his arms under her knees and the other around her back, lifting her up effortlessly and then he carried her out of the bathroom and down the stairs towards the kitchen. He sat her down on the bench and steadied her for a few moments before he quickly got a bottle of water from the fridge and uncapped it. "Need you to drink some of this." He held it to her lips as her hands trembled too much for her to hold the bottle, and she took a few small sips before she pulled away, her eyes closing again as she took a few steadying breathes as the water made her stomach roll.

"You okay?" He asked concerned that she had paled even more in the short time from the bathroom to the kitchen as he placed his hands on her shoulders in an effort to keep her from falling as her entire body wavered.

"Can't make it upstairs." She didn't have the energy to walk and she didn't want to be carried to far as the nausea had already settled in again and she didn't want to throw up on Kelly. That was the last thing she wanted to do especially when he was caring for her the way he was.

"Couch?" He offered sensing her reluctance to any movement at all as he realised that the nausea was rearing its ugly head once again if her paleness was any indication.

"Yeah." Her voice was small as she leaned forward into his chest enjoying the warmth that radiated from him, and placing her ear against his chest where his heart was as the beating of it was soothing. With practised ease, he picked her up and gently made his way over to the couch seeing she already had her eyes closed and was curled against him tightly whilst making sure he kept his movements smooth and steady.

Kelly laid down with Shay on top of him and with one hand grabbed the blanket that was draped over the back of the couch and draped it over her knowing she was still freezing to the touch despite the fever that she was running. He ran his hand over her back repeatedly as she cuddled into him and let herself fall asleep as his movements were lulling.

**Chicago Fire**

Kelly opened his eyes, he couldn't recall falling asleep but he had at some point, and found that Shay was still curled up on top of him. He realised what had woken him up and that was Shay had kicked off the blanket that he had placed on top of her earlier. His hand was still laid flat on the middle of her back whilst his other hand was held in her grip up near his own shoulder. He lifted his hand from her back to her forehead feeling that her fever had subsided and he was slightly grateful, and he only hoped that she felt better as well. He brushed her thin silk hair away from her face as he noticed even in the low light that she had gained some colour back to her skin. He didn't want to wake her so he stayed as still as he could beneath her.

"Kel?" Shay's sleepy voice eventually broke the silence as she struggled to open her eyes instead pushing her face into his cotton clad chest again.

"Yeah sparkles?" Kelly kept his voice soft using the nickname that never failed to make her smile as he rubbed his hand down over her back again knowing she wasn't going to move anytime soon as she was clearly content.

"Thank you." She thanked him for looking after her, for coming home and taking care of her, and for staying with her.

"How are you feeling?" He didn't need her to thank him, not when she always took care of him even when he didn't want her too. And he wanted to know how she felt because he knew that even if a person looked better that they didn't always feel better and considering the cocktail of medicines that had been pushed into her system it would be understandable if she wasn't feeling better.

"Tired… A lot better though…" She hesitated as she reported back to him, glad that the majority of the nausea had dissipated and she didn't feel as cold as she had.

"And what?" He could sense her hesitation and had to ask, had to know what was going on in her head because he wanted to help her in any way he could.

"I'm scared… terrified." The admission wasn't unexpected but it still hurt to voice and it hurt to hear. She couldn't stop thinking of the what if's earlier before she had ended up in the bathroom where Kelly had found her when he got home.

"You're going to get through this. We are going to get through this together." He assured her. He wished he could tell her that it was all going to be okay, that all the tests would come back negative, and that she had no reason to worry but he couldn't do that despite how much he wanted too. Instead all he could say was what he had said and he believed that because he was going to be right by her side every step, at every test, at every appointment, if she would allow him to be because it was his turn to take care of her, to be her support system as she had been for him far too many times to count.

"It could be life changing." She had treated patients with the various diseases that she was being treated against and had seen the various stages, and knew what she would be in for if the tests came back positive, if she had been infected. She knew that there were advancements being made every day in the medical world but it still would be life changing, it would still change the way she did everything, and how she interacted with everyone if the worst did happen.

"And we will deal with it together. Whatever happens." Kelly hated that Shay was hurting and it was a pain he couldn't ease or erase but he knew that she had to go through all of the potential situations in order to deal with everything even if it didn't eventuate. The thing that Kelly realised which Shay hadn't seemed to yet was that it was already changing her life because even if the tests came back negative, as they both hoped, it would still change the way she saw and dealt with things not only as a paramedic but as a human being. However he wasn't going to point that out to her, not when she was as vulnerable as she was, not when she was already terrified. Terrifying her further was not going to help her, it wasn't going to help her process anything and it certainly wasn't going to help deal with the side effects that could still arise.


End file.
